One Hundred Things Restaurant Staffers Should Never Do (Part 1)
Via NYTIMES
THE PARISIAN VERSION:
1. Do not let anyone enter the restaurant without a warm greeting.
Do not acknowledge anyone’s presence until they address you. This applies for everyone except Sarko, his entourage, and members of the PSG football team.
2. Do not make a singleton feel bad. Do not say, “Are you waiting for someone?” Ask for a reservation. Ask if he or she would like to sit at the bar.
Tell single people that they’re going to have to clear out when a larger party arrives.
3. Never refuse to seat three guests because a fourth has not yet arrived.
Give an incomplete party the smallest table and make them squeeze.
4. If a table is not ready within a reasonable length of time, offer a free drink and/or amuse-bouche. The guests may be tired and hungry and thirsty, and they did everything right.
Make sure guests don’t stand in the way of the waiters while their table is getting ready. They’re being waited on already; shouldn’t they be grateful?
6. Do not lead the witness with, “Bottled water or just tap?” Both are fine. Remain neutral.
If they don’t order expensive mineral water, present them with a tiny carafe and take hours bringing back refills.
7. Do not announce your name. No jokes, no flirting, no cuteness.
No friendliness, no smiling, no laughing, no recommendations. Glare at small children and dogs conspicuously.
8. Do not interrupt a conversation. For any reason. Especially not to recite specials. Wait for the right moment.
Do they want to order or not? You haven’t got all day.
9. Do not recite the specials too fast or robotically or dramatically. It is not a soliloquy. This is not an audition.
Do not recite specials at all. That is what the menu is for.
10. Do not inject your personal favorites when explaining the specials.
It’s not your problem if they think avocado mousse is still a good idea.
14. When you ask, “How’s everything?” or “How was the meal?” listen to the answer and fix whatever is not right.
Only ask if someone leaves a large amount of food on their plate. Start your question with, “Well, wasn’t it good?”
15. Never say “I don’t know” to any question without following with, “I’ll find out.”
No problem. You always know. Everything.
16. If someone requests more sauce or gravy or cheese, bring a side dish of same. No pouring. Let them help themselves.
Sneer if they ask for ketchup. Tell them extra sides will ruin the flavor of the dish/
18. Know before approaching a table who has ordered what. Do not ask, “Who’s having the shrimp?”
Rule of thumb: fat people usually order fatty food.
19. Offer guests butter and/or olive oil with their bread.
It’s a restaurant, not a supermarket.
20. Never refuse to substitute one vegetable for another.
There can be no substitutions. You can’t even leave out the Brussels spouts. Let them eat around them.
21. Never serve anything that looks creepy or runny or wrong.
Are you kidding me?
22. If someone is unsure about a wine choice, help him. That might mean sending someone else to the table or offering a taste or two.
Any uneducated fool who doesn’t know his Shiraz from his Bordeaux isn’t worth your time.
34. Do not have a personal conversation with another server within earshot of customers.
Complain loudly about customers. That’ll teach them.
36. Never reek from perfume or cigarettes. People want to smell the food and beverage.
Do not let the whims of diners get in the way of your smoke break.
46. Never acknowledge any one guest over and above any other. All guests are equal.
Except if they’ve appeared in Paris Match.
50. Do not turn on the charm when it’s tip time. Be consistent throughout
Charm? What’s that?
